Writers: Ask for What You Want

Image: art installation on the side of a building, made of neon letters spelling the sentence "There are a lot of good people around."
“There are a lot of good people around” by strangnet is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Todays post is excerpted from Where Do You Hang Your Hammock?: Finding Peace of Mind While You Write, Publish, and Promote Your Book by Bella Mahaya Carter (@Bellamahaya).


When you’re out there promoting your book, you’ll have to ask for all sorts of things. This might feel hard. You may make up stories, such as I don’t want to “bother” people or be a nuisance. You may feel as if you have no right to ask for what you want. You may even feel, deep down, as if there’s something wrong with asking.

Of course, nobody likes rejection, either. We don’t want to hear the word “no.” But how people respond has more to do with them than with you. If you can blow by the nos, you’ll pick up enough yeses along the way. So don’t let that stop you.

Those stories running through your head, that make asking for what you want seem unsavory, doesn’t mean your ask will not be welcomed or even appreciated. I have had this experience too many times to count. Sometimes when I’ve struggled to ask a person for something, he or she is in fact happy to help. Here’s an example.

Years ago, I received an email from Jack Grapes, my old writing teacher and mentor, who published my poetry book in 2008. Jack is a well-known and beloved literary figure in Los Angeles and has been teaching for more than four decades. His email promoted an upcoming writing workshop offered by a former student of his. I wonder if he’d do the same for me, I thought, in the midst of putting together my fall writing classes.

The next day, I put “email Jack” on my to-do list. It didn’t get done. The following day, I wrote it again. Usually when I carry over an action item from one day to the next, I cross it off my list on the second day. Not this time. For a week straight, the directive “email Jack” continued to appear on my list. Why is this so hard to do? I wondered. I knew Jack loved me. I knew he respected my work. Still, asking him to do this for me felt monumental.

A week later, feeling uneasy, I forced myself to just do it.

Ten minutes after I hit the send button, I heard back from him. “I’d be happy to do that,” he responded.

A few days later, while exploring in my journal why writing and sending that email had been so hard, I realized the heart of the matter: shame. Deep down, I felt as if I shouldn’t need help, which created embarrassment and shame about asking. I worried that my request might seem needy or inappropriate. And from there, the sorry old I’m not good enough voice, a close sibling of I’m not worthy and therefore don’t deserve this, found its toehold and sprang into action, hoping I’d take the bait and fall. Once I realized that my reluctance to ask had stemmed not from a fear that he’d say no but rather from this feeling of unworthiness, something inside me released and I felt free.

How many times have you been reluctant to make a request of someone you perceived as more established, successful, or powerful than you? How often have you felt like you didn’t have the right to “bother” or “intrude upon” them? How many times have you reproached yourself, saying you shouldn’t need to ask for help? How many times have you berated yourself, thinking, I should have my shit together and not need anyone else—especially when it comes to my career?

Talk about “should-ing” all over yourself. Let’s agree right here and now to quit feeling crappy!

For years, I believed that one of the things writers needed most to succeed was chutzpah. Google defines this Yiddish word as “shameless audacity.” Some of its synonyms are “nerve,” “boldness,” and “temerity.” Hispanics use cojones, or “balls.”

I used to think writers needed balls of steel. Had my dilemma with Jack been a reminder that I needed to grow a pair, or toughen up the metaphorical ones I had?

And then it hit me: Instead of bigger balls, instead of fighting, I needed to drop down into myself, to connect with that place where absolute tenderness for and faith in myself and others reside. The key, I realized, was to be shameless in the sense of understanding that we are all worthy and that there’s nothing wrong with asking for what we want. There’s no shame in it; in fact, it’s a blessing. None of us lives alone on this planet. We are part of a community, a web of loving, supportive relationships. We all give and take all the time; these are reciprocal energies, regardless of our professional accomplishments (or perceived lack thereof). Thomas Jefferson once wrote, “Remember that no one is better than you, but that you are better than no one.”

In order to ask for what you want, you have to know what you want. Sometimes this is clear. Other times, you have inklings and intuitions. Trust your worthiness, even when you can use a little help. Especially then.


Note from Jane: if you enjoyed this post, check out Where Do You Hang Your Hammock?: Finding Peace of Mind While You Write, Publish, and Promote Your Book by Bella Mahaya Carter.

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Kay DiBianca

Bella, I can identify with this. The things on my to-do list that I carry over are often requests to other writers that I’m reluctant to send. I’m not sure why this concerns me so much. Maybe I don’t want to bother them or I’m afraid I’ll be perceived as one of those people who’s always asking others for favors.

However, I’ve noticed the writing community is very supportive. I’ve made many new friends in this literary world, and more than a few have come from asking a favor. And, of course, I am always willing to reciprocate.

Bella Mahaya Carter

Yes, Kay, I know what you mean. The writing community is supportive. Most writers want to help other writers. It’s good literary citizenship. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Sharon O Warner

Hi Bella, What an honest and thoughtful post. And you’re speaking to so many of us writers. Many of us are insecure and self-deprecating, me included. I have a new craft book out, and what I need right now are more reviews on Amazon and elsewhere. But, I’m reluctant to put out the word to friends, family, and former students. Thanks for the nudge–and the insight.

Last edited 2 years ago by Sharon Oard Warner
Bella Mahaya Carter

This is great, Sharon. Thanks for sharing. What’s the name of your book? I talk a lot about insecurity and doubt in my new book. It’s a central theme, which I felt had’t been addressed in the many writing books available today—until now!

Sharon O Warner

Hi Bella, My book is Writing the Novella. Doubts and insecurity are part of the writer’s life, right? One way I address this issue is through a discussion of negative capability. Thanks for your reply! I’ll watch for your posts.

Last edited 2 years ago by Sharon Oard Warner
Bella Mahaya Carter

Hi, Sharon. Doubts and insecurity are part of being human, and perhaps especially challenging for writers (and all artists), but in my book I explore ways to relate to these challenges more gracefully so they don’t hijack our lives.

Bella Mahaya Carter

Thanks for sharing this post, Jane. I depend on your blog to keep me informed and inspired!

Marlene Cullen

Thank you so much for this, Bella, and thank you, Jane, for posting. Your post encourages and inspires me to ask for help! It willl still be hard to ask, but I’ll swallow, take a breath, gather courage, and I’ll just do it!

Bella Mahaya Carter

Thanks for reading and commenting, Marlene. You’ve expressed how it’s always been for me, but what I’m learning is this: what if it doesn’t have to be hard? What if we make it hard by how we think about this? Sending love.

Kathy Steinemann

Thanks, Bella. Of course, you saved the best for last: “In order to <em>ask</em> for what you want, you have to <em>know</em> what you want.”

I’ll be thinking about this article today as I work.

Bella Mahaya Carter

Amen! It’s true, right? Thanks for that reminder, Kathy!

desertphile

It may be only my experience, but I have found that people who are kind and polite and are virtuous tend to not ask for help in anything; I am loathe to ask for help perhaps because I am autistic, and lacking in social communication skills and a sense of “group identities.” (When I caught a plague bacillus, I did not ask for help until I was around six hours away from dying.)

There is also the “Real Man” mythos that prevents some boys and men from asking for help.

When my memoir MS was completed, polished, edited, and ready for the query stage, my world-famous “A-List” writer friend read it twice and spewed praise at it and me, saying of the MS “It’s a cynical, outrageous, politically incorrect, foul-mouthed and absolutely hilarious modern-day Walden.” I was loathe to ask him for an endorsement because I think it is not polite to do so— plus I did not wish to strain our friendship by turning mercantile. Another friend asked the writer for the endorsement, and the writer said he would love to do so— and he did.

I also learned that most lit.agents do not care what other writers endorse, as agents may not be interested for many reasons.

Bella Mahaya Carter

Yes, I feel you. It’s hard to ask for help—especially for men, who are expected to be strong, etc. But that’s old conditioning. We live in community and depend on one another. I’ve found that the best way to experience kindness in the world is to be kind myself. Of course, I still encounter less-than-kind experiences, but I try to let them go and move on. Not always easy, but well worth it. Writers deal with many challenges. I address these in my new book. Thanks for reading and commenting.

desertphile

Alas, I think you hit the “major social nail” on the head: the people who are kind to others and not to themselves tend to be trampled by the unkind people who care not at all about other people. How can one learn self-respect in such a world? But I suppose humanity has always been like this; I have chosen to leave the humans alone, and only come out when I do a dreaded “book signing.”

Bella Mahaya Carter

Thanks for reading and commenting. I like to think of self-respect as emanating from within, regardless of circumstances. If I pinned my self-respect on the vagaries of the world, or of others, I’d be a mess. It’s up to each of us to find our kindness and share it with others. People who do this are the ones whose company I most enjoy.

desertphile

Your desire to be among people who are kind reflects your desire to be kind, of course. Self-respect leads to respect for others. I have found that self-respect requires both humbleness and courage, as does asking for help when it has not been earned. Without humbleness, there is the danger that self-respect is actually arrogance with a sense of unearned privilege.

Your observation — that self-respect must come from withing and not from catering to social expectations — is a major key to contentment with life. This is difficult to achieve for some people who “stick out” like an orange monkey among a sea of brown ones — such as autism; homosexuality; self-sensed gender; genius. In such an environment, self-respect is hardly conceivable when one has been tortured, humiliated, oppressed, persecuted, and brutalized because one is not close to the average with social behavior.

It took me about 50 years to have the courage to ask people for help; before then, my version of self-respect was tied to thinking only of the needs and wants of other people, and not even considering what I require. Holy shyte that was a hard lesson to learn: I respected everyone else except myself.

As for self-respect; valor; commitment; responsibilities; virtue; conscientiousness; duty; honesty; courage; fairness; compassion; equality; accepting consequences for one’s behavior— I wrote about the issue in my second memoir ME VS. THE HUMANS in Part Three: written in a similar literary voice as the best of Henry David Thoreau. These things require courage in a world where such virtues and not modeled by adults for the sack of teaching them to the younger generation. It takes courage and humility to be courageous.

Bella Mahaya Carter

Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Rachel Michelberg

How did you know exactly what I needed to hear, Bella? As a just-published first-time author (also with She Writes Press) I’ve shifted my energies from writing to promotion, working on building that platform and brand we authors are encouraged to do. Often feels intrusive and needy. Your article gave me that nudge I needed to continue reach out and asking for support. I’ve ordered your book and am looking forward to more insight.

Bella Mahaya Carter

Thanks, Rachel! I’m delighted to hear this. Congratulations on your new book! Enjoy the ride!

Liesbet

Brilliant! And so true. I’d never heard that Thomas Jefferson quote, but everyone should write it down and pin it on their desk! It is hard to ask for help, especially when promoting a book, for all the reasons you mention. That being said, one of my mottos in life is “No is what you already have, yes is what you can get.” So, you can’t go wrong aiming for a yes. 🙂

Bella Mahaya Carter

This is wonderful, Liesbet! Thanks for reading and commenting. I love the word “yes” and try to say it to myself as often as possible. I’ve found, too, that the need to say “yes” is like the need to bathe—it has to be done on a regular basis!