From a phenomenal personal essay: “Go West” by Peter Hessler in The New Yorker (April 19, 2010). Note: All of Hessler’s pieces for The New Yorker are incredible.
The American appetite for loneliness impressed me, and there was something about this solitude that freed conversation. One night at a bar, I met a man, and within five minutes he explained that he had just been released from prison. … I learned there’s no reliable small talk in America; at any moment a conversation can become personal.
… in the States, I often had trouble responding to personal stories. But soon I realized that it didn’t make much difference what I said. Many Americans were great talkers, but they didn’t like to listen. If I told somebody in a small town that I had lived overseas for fifteen years, the initial response was invariably the same: “Were you in the military?” After that, people had few questions. Leslie and I learned that the most effective way to kill our end of a conversation was to say that we were writers who had lived in China for more than a decade.
Hi Jane. I came across your blog by looking up on Google for “why Americans don’t like to listen,” and what surprises me the most is the accuracy of what you described above. I’ve been living in the States for the past 5 years and the Americans’ lack of interest in other nations’ cultures, traditions, stories est. is astonishing. You were correct, they almost never take an effort to ask their interlocutors relevant questions. I’m about to wonder if this whole nation is self-centered and narcissistic or in actuality there is something absolutely wrong with me. As a foreigner, I’m… Read more »
Take it from me: There is nothing wrong with you! I wish I could offer useful suggestions, but it’s tough even for Americans. I recently relocated to Charlottesville, VA, from Cincinnati, and even after 1 year, I’ve found that most people get quite involved in their own “busy” lives; it’s hard to find friends who make time for the kind of conversation you and I value without it being planned weeks in advance.