Can Excellent Advice Make You Unhappy?

Wonder Woman at Work
Wonder Women mementoes (displayed in my office) from my dear friend and writer Jeanne V Bowerman

There are a few people I read religiously for insight and perspective on work/business life. Probably on the top of the list:

I’ve just had a sudden epiphany about this reading I do. Maybe you can tell me if it’s really something notable, or I’m just spinning a story.

First, all of these men are entrepreneurs and have been greatly successful by conventional standards.

Second, their advice makes me (at times) unhappy, dissatisfied, and anxious in regards to my work life, or feeling like …

  • I’m not doing a good enough job.
  • I can’t control or change the things they’re talking about.
  • I should go do something else (or otherwise settle with something less than what they advise).

Here’s an example of what I mean—this is from Seth Godin’s blog post “All I Do Is Work Here”:

Then, a few days ago, I heard from someone in a different group at the same company, asking for help with a project she was working on. I explained that the last time I helped someone in her group with a project, I was misquoted, my time was wasted and they violated whatever trust we had. Susan said, and I’m quoting precisely the same line, “All I do is work here. They pay my salary, but I’m me, not them.”

No, Susan, you are them.

The reason your brand is falling apart is because so many of your colleagues are saying the same thing, denying the same responsibility. Consumers don’t believe (or care) that there are warrens and fiefdoms and monarchies within your company.

Also check out “A small, gentle question that could change your life” by Mark Hurst.

I don’t dispute the truth of what’s being said in these posts. However, people like Susan cannot control the corporate culture they work in, or the decisions of other people. She can only control her own actions.

If she can’t change other people’s behavior or particular values of her company, does she need to find another job—even if she’s making an important contribution? Become an entrepreneur instead?

Not everyone can be an entrepreneur, though that feels like the idea du jour.

How would the entrepreneurs delivering this advice fare in an environment where they don’t have absolute control? Would the advice change?

There are trade-offs to working for someone else—and working for a company or brand does not mean that becomes your very identity. Such close identification feels toxic, with potential to produce anger, frustration, anxiety, and dissatisfaction.

Yet the cultural message these days, in books like Godin’s Linchpin (a book I bought for 15 of my staff) is that we all ought to be contributing very meaningful or emotional work, which probably is wrapped up in our identity.

Doing emotional work—delivering with passion, generosity and integrity—is something everyone is capable of (as Godin himself says). And it requires emotional resilience, confidence, maturity. When you’re emotionally wrapped up in the outcomes and your purpose, does this really make you happier? Does it produce a better outcome?

This is the question I struggle with. Where do you come out on the question?

Note: This blog post by Kenny the Monk begins to tackle the question. Even though it’s written for people who may be losing a job, it’s really for anyone facing predicaments in work life.

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David_N_Wilson

I've wondered this many times. On even a more pointed note – would the same entrepreneurs have even gone on to become gurus of advice if that first time they thought outside the box things went badly? It's very difficult to say…and so many of them have now moved on to the much safer ground of teaching others to take risks and change careers, giving speeches and seminars but not doing all that much risk taking…

I think, personally, that you have two responsibilities in your professional life. You have to fulfill your own need to be useful and successful, and you have to provide an honest return on your employer, or customer's investment. These two things in combination can lead to amazing things, but if they don't lead to amazing things they still bring self-worth and pride of accomplishment. If everyone was an an entrepreneur, some of them would have to fail…particularly working in the same office.

I am leery of people who spend a great deal of time teaching others nebulous things; the same is often true in books about writing. What works for one author may or may never work for another, but it doesn't stop us from writing more books, sharing our favorites, and discussing them. The secret for me is in remembering that no matter how much attention someone gathers or how good the words they string together may sound, they are words – and they came from another man or woman like myself. They aren't intrinsically better than my own…so I take what I can from them, and I move on.

Of course, on the other hand, Seth is famous and I'm still working on it…

David

Evelyn

There are many things to say about your entry but one important and simple note to mention is this: Life has everything we need but we are given the voice from within to guide us and choose what we think is best. Every person, every word, every thought is given to us in assistance but if we don't feel quite right about it, then it isn't right for us. There's no such thing as the best advice because what's best for me may not be the best for you. Reading is very helpful in our development but it's dangerous to get lost in everything that's said. No one knows you better than you know yourself.
I had a recent blog entry about focusing on an end result and how toxic it may be. What truly matters is how you feel in the process. Make an effort to inquire at every step about how you feel. If it's good, act on it, no matter what others say. If it isn't good, ask yourself why. Following your gut instinct and trusting yourself to make the right decisions is very liberating.

Brian Sheehan

The times I've faced answering questions like this one have usually been precursors to significant change in my life. I had a high degree of fear of the unknown, along with my ever-present self-doubt, so I did what I could to gain knowledge about writing a book at the core of my heart. For years, I had fed myself on all sorts of books and information, reading about writing, reading about memoir, reading about writing to save my life, reading about publishing, reading about everything, doing everything I possibly could, except the actual writing. I nodded along with the advice authors wrote, saying “Yes, this is me. I get this. I can do this. I am this person.” Then, when I did write, I would write what I felt like, dabbling in dozens of incomplete projects, completing none, leaving myself also feeling incomplete, wondering what I was thinking and whether I was good enough or if I had the “right stuff.”

Whining about this to a friend, he told me to choose one thing, do that one thing well, and finish it. By this time I had to trust that with all the front-reading I had absorbed, my parachute was sufficiently packed. It was my turn to jump. I made choices that were difficult, mostly in saying no to organizations with a higher purpose that required so much of my time on evenings and also entire weekends. By telling others no, I was giving the yes to myself, for something that also had a meaningful purpose serving others. I told myself that if this were truly going to happen, it would have to be a second full-time job. That's how I treated it, and now I have a full-length manuscript as evidence of that work.

Bottom line for me is that excellent advice can make you unhappy should you do nothing as a result of that advice. At some point, the initial advice had to stop and I just had to dig in and do it. With this project, I have been able to get emotionally charged with intention; I have never been more happy with myself about an individual achievement, and I think eventually it will result in a better, stronger and compelling outcome. At least that's what I hope. But I couldn't have gotten to this point without the advice.

Jane Friedman

Thank you, Evelyn. So often, my biggest challenge is to stop wavering. I am a stereotypical Libra; I find it impossible to make a decision or to “feel” the right path. Question, question, question. I get paralyzed analyzing situations. (As if you couldn't tell! Ha!)

I feel like I know myself (to some extent), but I'm excellent at fooling myself, too. Constantly. It's like what Montaigne said: “I distrust my present thoughts hardly less than my past ones and my second or third thoughts hardly less than my first.”

Jane Friedman

Appreciate your words here, David. Working at Writer's Digest, I frequently encounter people who are suspicious of the services/products we provide, which are meant to help people write better or get published.

For the most part (at least for beginners), I think think there's no reason to be suspicious. There are many principles that writers don't know when they first enter the game, and they need to be made aware of them. Best practices and so on. It can spare a person some frustration.

But I find the more advanced you get, and the more experience you have, the more you get to decide how the game is played because you have achieved a certain skill level, and you can sense when you've charted a bad course. (Or I hope so.)

And your own personality and presence play a role, too — your history, your track record, what you're known for. Sometimes these things play TOO big a role!

Jane Friedman

Brian, thanks for sharing details of your experience! Compelling. Reminds me of two Zen sayings I'm fond of: “Now is the right time,” and “Leap and the net will appear.”

David_N_Wilson

Oh, I agree that when starting out all writers have a lot to learn, and that a guide to get them through this is essential. Sometimes it's just the ability to get that first level of competence from a book without letting the writing world at large see how green one is is worth the price of a few “how to” manuals.

I know a lot of authors, though, that read endlessly through exercises and methods and process-guides, buy software to organize and outline, attend webinars and seminars and groups, and never find the time (or possibly the courage?) to put it all to the test. Most of the successful authors I know have put the majority of this behind them – except (of course) when they are the ones writing the guides and books and processes. Something we all enjoy. I blog endlessly about writing, methods, etc…don't think I'm down on all of that.

As a perspective point, my professional writing career can be clearly marked from the end of a course I took in the mid to late 1980's. That course? Writing to Sell Fiction – offered by the Writer's Digest School, and taught by the late (and sorely missed) J. N. Williamson.

I just caution creative people to be jealous of the time they are actually creating and not to get too caught up in the whole “scene” because it can consume you. I have actually found a vast wealth of good information through Writer's Digest over the years – known several people who acted as instructors, and even been involved with a couple of the books on writing horror and genre fiction…

There is a generation of writers coming into the world now that will be weaned on what's in the pages of Writer's Digest *now* … you'll play a part in that. It must feel good.

-David

Jane Friedman

To be jealous of time — exactly!

Evelyn

It must be very difficult and exhausting to live like this. Could your endless questioning stem from an attempt to make everything perfect? To avoid mistakes? I know how it feels when you have hundred options available at the same time and most of them seem feasible. What to choose? What makes more sense? What's the best?
Have you tried to write things down on the list? In paralyzing situations, I find it helpful to just write it all down and evaluate each option/thought, one at a time, narrow it down systematically until I reach a conclusion. Then, STOP! Otherwise you'll keep running in a wheel until you're completely lifeless.

Jane Friedman

I don't know that it's as bad as it sounds. (I've come to accept it and try to look at it as an asset.) Knowing how to ask the right questions is often invaluable, though constant second-guessing is not. I do think it's a symptom of American/Western culture, which Gilbert refers to in COMMITTED. A quick quote:

” … it's important to remember that our choice-rich lives have the potential to breed their own brand of trouble. We are susceptible to emotional uncertainties and neuroses … Equally disquieting are the times when we do make a choice, only to later feel as though we have murdered some other aspect of our being by settling on one single concrete decision. By choosing Door Number Three, we fear we have killed off a different—but equally critical—piece of our soul that could only have been made manifest by walking through Door Number One or Door Number Two. … In a world of such abundant possibility many of us simply go limp from indecision. Or we derail our life's journey again and again, backing up to try the doors we neglected on the first round … Or we become compulsive comparers … “